Communication - Full Version

Sensory Data

Senses report raw data
- The raw data is available, but transformed by our filters and interpretations – which happens automatically, because we need to make sense out of things
- Common problems with sensory data
  - Most of us do not pay enough attention to the data reaching our various senses
  - Sometimes we receive conflicting data (e.g. a person’s words say one thing, and their face, body or tone of voice says another)
  - Sometimes we jump to conclusions too quickly, without being aware of the sensory data
Knowing the above problems, it is useful to test, clarify and alter your interpretations by moving back and forth between the sensory data and your interpretations

Making Sensory Data Statements

Sense statements describe what you see, hear, touch, taste and smell
- These statements “document” your interpretations
A good sense statement is specific about time, location, and action or behavior
- The more specific a sense statement is, the more useful
- Sense statements orient the listener(s) to your experience
Sense statements supply data to what, where, when, how and who – but do not explain why
Documenting with sense statements is useful because:
- It increases your own understanding of what is happening and clarifies your own interpretations
- It increases the chances of being understood by your audience
- It gives your audience a chance to respond to the same data you are, clarifying interpretations on both sides
- These provide less chance to fall into a “yes I am, no you’re not” argument
- It helps you avoid making global judgments
  - I was frustrated because he never answers my questions on time
  - She always thinks I’m lazy
  - Documenting takes time to do, and sends a message that the person you are communicating with is valued, i.e., worth spending time on
Documenting with sense statements is particularly useful for giving feedback
- This is true for situations where you want to instigate change
- It is also true for reinforcing behavior that you would like to see continue
Documenting with sense statements can sometimes be misused to try to prove or to justify
Avoid using the word “when” by itself in a documenting statement
- Be more specific in terms of time

Interpretations

Interpretations are the thoughts you have about yourself, others, things, and what happens to you and others (events)
Interpretations are the meanings you assign in your own head to help you understand yourself, events and other people
Interpretations happen all the time
Other names for interpretations
- Impressions
- Ideas
- Beliefs
- Opinions
- Conclusions
- Expectations
- Assumptions
- Stereotypes
- Evaluations
- Reasons
Interpretations are
- Past history
- What is happening now
- Anticipations of future
Interpretations depend on
- Sensory information
- Thoughts you have
  - Especially beliefs and assumptions
- Immediate feelings
- Wants and desires
Expectations are prior interpretations affecting your immediate interpretations
Your interpretations are not based on some “reality” out there
- Interpretations are not “the way things are”
It is useful to keep your interpretations tentative
- Many different interpretations are available for the same sensory data
- Often, too little sensory data is available to make a firm interpretation
- Sometimes sensory data conflicts with previous experiences or assumptions
  - This leads to misinterpretations
- The sensory data in a situation may be new to you
  - Keeping open to additional sensory data retains the possibility of seeing things in a new way, i. e. of learning

Feelings

Feelings are spontaneous responses to your interpretations and the expectations you have
Emotional responses are inside your body, but may have outward signs
- For example, when angry, you may notice this by tense muscles, loud rapid speech, or flushed skin
- You may notice sadness by moist eyes or tears
- You may notice elation by smiles, laughing or joking
Feelings typically exist on a spectrum, e.g.
- Annoyed, irritated, angry, enraged
- Anxious, nervous, fearful, terrified
- Liking, affectionate, loving, passionate
- Pleased, happy, elated, jubilant
Feelings are you, part of the person you are
Feelings also serve as a barometer
- Emotions can alert you to what’s going on
- Emotions can help you understand your reaction to a situation
- Emotions can alert you when two people have different interpretations
Feelings can help you clarify your expectations
- Some feelings arise because of differences between what you expected and what actually happened
  - For example, if you expected to have your proposal accepted, and it was rejected, you would likely feel surprised, hurt, and disappointed
  - If you expected to have your proposal rejected, and it was accepted, you might feel happy, excited or gratified
- Sometimes you don’t know what you expect, but can determine expectations after the fact by what you felt in response to a situation
How do you bring feelings into your awareness?
- Watch for physiological signs
  - Sweating, rapid heartbeat, lightness
- Watch for behavioral signs
  - Avoiding eye contact, becoming quiet, laughing
If you notice subtle feelings, let yourself amplify the feeling by focusing awareness on the subtle feeling
Noticing what you are feeling is difficult sometimes because we often feel more than one feeling at a time
- It’s easier when we’re feeling only one emotion
- You might, for instance, feel cautious, irritated and contentious all at the same time
  - In these cases, it’s easy to send out mixed messages
Give up the myth that you can ignore or control your feelings – you can control actions and are responsible for those
- Trying to control your feelings actually turns over control
  - Avoiding paying attention lets your feelings take over
  - Feelings seem to want to express – numbing to them forces the feelings to build up until they break through – and you have lost control
  - When we consciously try not to express feelings, our bodies express feelings anyway – and often in ways that are less clear
Making Feeling Statements
- Pick your time and place
- Own the feelings expressed as yours
  - When this happens, I feel . . .
Feelings can be expressed powerfully non-verbally, but that leaves room for misinterpretation
- Words added to actions can clarify, e.g., is a smile being happy or is it being nervous?
Mixed feelings can also be stated, which helps to let people know what your experience is – otherwise they are likely to be confused
Obstacles to making feeling statements
- It is difficult to recognize your own feelings
- It may feel uncomfortable to verbalize your feelings – it’s not encouraged by our culture
- It seems risky to verbalize your feelings
  - You make yourself vulnerable to rejection, or to being seen as weak, silly, or unusual
- You may be in the habit of substituting opinions, evaluations, or questions for statements of feelings
  - “You have no right to say that!” when you mean, “I feel sad when you say that”
  - “You shouldn’t work so late so often”, when you mean, “I feel lonely. I miss you”
Adding appropriate feeling statements can take a dull meeting or situation and make it much more interesting
- People usually pay more attention, and become more engaged, when feelings are acknowledged
The amount of risk-taking a person is capable of is usually related to the degree of self-esteem a person has
Making disclosing statements (of feelings, interpretations, and what you want) does pay off
- Besides risking rejection, you also open the opportunity for acceptance
- What we think is being kept hidden or private is often seen anyway, but seen in distorted ways
- Disclosing significantly increases trust
- Disclosing also clarifies your own situation
You can also choose to disclose a step at a time, starting small
When you think you are misunderstood is an ideal time to disclose, or if you think that you are misunderstanding someone else

Intentions or Wants

Examples of intentions
- To approach, to reject, to support, to persuade
- To be funny, to ignore, to clarify, to avoid
- To cooperate, to praise, to defend self, to hurt
- To be friendly, to ponder, to help, to accept
- To demand, to be honest, to conceal, to play
- To explore, to be caring, to listen, to disregard
- To share, to understand, to be responsive
Intentions can span time frames
- In our usage, focus on intentions as near term desires – what do you want to happen in a specific situation
One obstacle to identifying your own intentions is that we often think much more on what it is we want others to do
- If this is the case, your intentions come out in the form of commands or questions
  - You should finish the job as soon as possible, instead of I would like you to finish soon
  - Would you like to give me this report tomorrow, instead of I’d like you to give me the report tomorrow
  - You shouldn’t do that, instead of I want you to stop doing that
Often intentions can be or become hidden agendas
- You may be unaware of all your intentions at times
- You forget them, or think they are too unimportant to mention
- You choose to keep your intentions hidden on purpose
  - If your intention is to get even, or to be admired, or to hurt, you may not want these types of intentions to become known
Sometimes hidden agendas happen because I have not thought through what it is that I want
It is important to discern between preferences and demands
- Stating wants as preferences allows others to be open to negotiation, rather than defending against demands
Intentions have a big impact on your actions
- Changing intentions can have a bigger impact on what you do than trying to change actions
It is useful to think of intentions as organizers
- Thinking about intentions helps you expand possibilities by needing to think about what you want and don’t want
You can learn more about what your intentions are by examining your actions
- Usually there is something you wanted by doing things, or liked doing
Feelings can tell you about your intentions as well
- Feeling positive, OK, or satisfied indicates that your intentions and your actions and behaviors usually match
- Feeling irritable or unhappy is a clue that your major intentions are not matching your behaviors
A third way of learning about your own intentions is to ask yourself what is it that I want that I’m not telling people or not willing to admit?
Intention statements are ways of being direct about what you want to do or want not to do
“Might”, “could”, or “maybe” when used in intention statements confuse and hide your intentions
- In competitive negotiations, you may want to deliberately obscure what you want
- In cooperative work situations, being indirect with what you want wastes time and increases problems
Intentions, like feelings, can be in conflict inside yourself
- Disclosing these conflicting intentions can still be valuable
  - Helps clarify for yourself what is most important
  - Clarifies the range of possibilities for your audience

Negotiations

One fundamental principle of successful negotiations is to avoid arguing about conclusions or end-positions and to concentrate on discussing what is important to each side
The communication skills training equivalent of doing this is to spend a lot of time in documenting interpretations by sense statements and to think through and articulate what you want not in terms of end-positions, but rather in terms of what has meaning to you
Question your interpretations, and make sure you verbalize them and check with the other party to verify that they share the same understandings
Verbalizing what you prefer and what you are willing to do in order for this to happen will often move a negotiation forward

Actions, or What I am Willing to Do

Action statements put words to your behavior in simple descriptive ways
- I will, I am, I was, etc.
Paying attention to actions can provide self-information
- Actions can contradict what we say
  - Dropping volume at end of sentence, fidgeting with glasses, or walking around while talking can indicate lack of confidence, for instance
  - Getting in habit of observing actions versus statements will identify patterns of behavior that you may want to change

Actions

Stating what you are willing to or going to do increases clarity
- It’s not obvious what you are doing, even if you think it is
- Saying “I’m thinking about what you said” avoids misinterpretation for why you are looking around or vacantly staring, for instance
Action statements let people know you are aware of your actions and of the meanings you place on them
- Saying “I interrupted you” indicates self-awareness plus caring about effect you have on others
- “I’m having trouble concentrating. I’m still thinking about a conflict that happened an hour ago. I’m sorry” lets your audience know that you probably are placing a different meaning on what’s happening than they might guess from your being distracted
Action statements about the future are commitments
- Saying “I will …” lets people know what you are willing to do or not willing to do
- This lets people know what to expect from you
Keeping your commitments or renegotiating when unable to keep commitments is the foundation for building trust
- Trust is the single most important factor in having and maintaining good communication
Stating what you are willing to do opens the space for the other person to offer to do something as well
- If communications or negotiations are stuck, this often moves the process forward

Speaking for Self

Fundamental skill for all communications
- By speaking for yourself, you identify you as the source of your awareness
- By reporting your own interpretations, thoughts, feelings, wants, desires, and intentions, you indicate that you are the owner
- “I think …”, “I feel …”, “I am willing to ….”, “I want …,” you identify yourself as the source of your awareness
- Speaking this way acknowledges that you are not expert on what your coworkers think, feel, want and intend
- This means using “I, me, my and mine”, which some of us are conditioned to believe means being selfish or self-centered
  - This does indicate self-confidence and belief in self
  - High self-esteem is a positive trait
- Speaking for self statements take responsibility
- “Under-responsible” statements substitute it, one or some people for “I”, or include no pronoun or reference at all
- Examples of under-responsible statements
  - He doesn’t listen
  - It would be a good thing if some people here would change
  - There’s nothing anyone can do about this mess
- Under-responsible statements force you to guess at the opinions, intentions or feelings of the person, since they are understated
- Constant use of under-responsible statements can cause the opinions, thoughts and wants of the speaker to be continually devalued, since the speaker does not claim the content of what is spoken
- Over-responsible statements speak for others
  - You should always call the customer and not just email, because you like direct contact
  - All men are like that
  - You don’t understand why I prefer to talk that way
- Over-responsible statements substitute we, you, everybody, or all for “I”, and frequently contain “should” and “ought to”
- Many of us resent being spoken for and close down to the rest of what the over-responsible speaker says
- Making Interpretive statements is a skill
- Interpretive statements carry more weight if they are “documented” by sensory statements
- By making clear your interpretations, you make explicit what you are thinking, and this moves the communication forward
- Examples of interpretive statements
  - I think we should take a break now
  - I expect to be on time to the meeting
  - It seems like you are worried about whether we are prepared for our customer meeting
  - I’m wondering if you have come to the same conclusions I have
  - I think it likely that sales will never change

Putting the Awareness Wheel to Work

Dialogue involves other people, and works well when you have:
- Self-awareness of Awareness Wheel categories
- Support for others to identify and express their own awareness
- Ability to accurately hear what others’ say and express
You can work through the Awareness Wheel categories imagining what someone else is trying to say
- This will lead to uncovering gaps in what’s expressed
- Will often surface the need to check interpretations or sensory data
Checking with other person will move the communication forward
- Particularly useful if you notice incongruities
  - Between sensory data and interpretations, actions and words, your feelings and the situation, etc.
Checking with others is easy – add a who, what, when or where question to the person’s Awareness Wheel categories
- Who do you want to include?
- What do you think?
- What are you doing?
- Where did you hear that?
- How do you feel?
Why or closed questions are best avoided
- “Don’t you think it would be better if we both went?” is a closed question, and it disguises “I want to go with you”
- Why questions lead to blame, are difficult to answer, and rarely move the communication forward

Negotiation Tips

Negotiations proceed better when desires are stated as preferences, not demands
- Demands mean you are fixed on the outcome, that it must be your way
- Preferences are indications of what you want without predetermined outcomes
Communicating your willingness to do other things than your own preferences leads to open negotiations and more flexibility