Sensory Data
- Senses report raw data
- The raw data is available, but transformed by our filters and interpretations – which happens automatically, because we need to make sense out of things
- Common problems with sensory data
- Most of us do not pay enough attention to the data reaching our various senses
- Sometimes we receive conflicting data (e.g. a person’s words say one thing, and their face, body or tone of voice says another)
- Sometimes we jump to conclusions too quickly, without being aware of the sensory data
- Knowing the above problems, it is useful to test, clarify and alter your interpretations by moving back and forth between the sensory data and your interpretations
Making Sensory Data Statements
- Sense statements describe what you see, hear, touch, taste and smell
- These statements “document” your interpretations
- A good sense statement is specific about time, location, and action or behavior
- The more specific a sense statement is, the more useful
- Sense statements orient the listener(s) to your experience
- Sense statements supply data to what, where, when, how and who – but do not explain why
- Documenting with sense statements is useful because:
- It increases your own understanding of what is happening and clarifies your own interpretations
- It increases the chances of being understood by your audience
- It gives your audience a chance to respond to the same data you are, clarifying interpretations on both sides
- These provide less chance to fall into a “yes I am, no you’re not” argument
- It helps you avoid making global judgments
- I was frustrated because he never answers my questions on time
- She always thinks I’m lazy
- Documenting takes time to do, and sends a message that the person you are communicating with is valued, i.e., worth spending time on
- Documenting with sense statements is particularly useful for giving feedback
- This is true for situations where you want to instigate change
- It is also true for reinforcing behavior that you would like to see continue
- Documenting with sense statements can sometimes be misused to try to prove or to justify
- Avoid using the word “when” by itself in a documenting statement
- Be more specific in terms of time
Interpretations
- Interpretations are the thoughts you have about yourself, others, things, and what happens to you and others (events)
- Interpretations are the meanings you assign in your own head to help you understand yourself, events and other people
- Interpretations happen all the time
- Other names for interpretations
- Impressions
- Ideas
- Beliefs
- Opinions
- Conclusions
- Expectations
- Assumptions
- Stereotypes
- Evaluations
- Reasons
- Interpretations are
- Past history
- What is happening now
- Anticipations of future
- Interpretations depend on
- Sensory information
- Thoughts you have
- Especially beliefs and assumptions
- Immediate feelings
- Wants and desires
- Expectations are prior interpretations affecting your immediate interpretations
- Your interpretations are not based on some “reality” out there
- Interpretations are not “the way things are”
- It is useful to keep your interpretations tentative
- Many different interpretations are available for the same sensory data
- Often, too little sensory data is available to make a firm interpretation
- Because people are often uncomfortable with not knowing, the temptation is there to jump to conclusions
- Often the sensory data in a given situation is incomplete
- Sometimes sensory data conflicts with previous experiences or assumptions
- This leads to misinterpretations
- The sensory data in a situation may be new to you
- Keeping open to additional sensory data retains the possibility of seeing things in a new way, i. e. of learning
Feelings
- Feelings are spontaneous responses to your interpretations and the expectations you have
- Emotional responses are inside your body, but may have outward signs
- For example, when angry, you may notice this by tense muscles, loud rapid speech, or flushed skin
- You may notice sadness by moist eyes or tears
- You may notice elation by smiles, laughing or joking
- Feelings typically exist on a spectrum, e.g.
- Annoyed, irritated, angry, enraged
- Anxious, nervous, fearful, terrified
- Liking, affectionate, loving, passionate
- Pleased, happy, elated, jubilant
- Feelings are you, part of the person you are
- Feelings also serve as a barometer
- Emotions can alert you to what’s going on
- Emotions can help you understand your reaction to a situation
- Emotions can alert you when two people have different interpretations
- Feelings can help you clarify your expectations
- Some feelings arise because of differences between what you expected and what actually happened
- For example, if you expected to have your proposal accepted, and it was rejected, you would likely feel surprised, hurt, and disappointed
- If you expected to have your proposal rejected, and it was accepted, you might feel happy, excited or gratified
- Sometimes you don’t know what you expect, but can determine expectations after the fact by what you felt in response to a situation
- Some feelings arise because of differences between what you expected and what actually happened
- How do you bring feelings into your awareness?
- Watch for physiological signs
- Sweating, rapid heartbeat, lightness
- Watch for behavioral signs
- Avoiding eye contact, becoming quiet, laughing
- Watch for physiological signs
- If you notice subtle feelings, let yourself amplify the feeling by focusing awareness on the subtle feeling
- Noticing what you are feeling is difficult sometimes because we often feel more than one feeling at a time
- It’s easier when we’re feeling only one emotion
- You might, for instance, feel cautious, irritated and contentious all at the same time
- In these cases, it’s easy to send out mixed messages
- Give up the myth that you can ignore or control your feelings – you can control actions and are responsible for those
- Trying to control your feelings actually turns over control
- Avoiding paying attention lets your feelings take over
- Feelings seem to want to express – numbing to them forces the feelings to build up until they break through – and you have lost control
- When we consciously try not to express feelings, our bodies express feelings anyway – and often in ways that are less clear
- Trying to control your feelings actually turns over control
- Making Feeling Statements
- Pick your time and place
- Own the feelings expressed as yours
- When this happens, I feel . . .
- Feelings can be expressed powerfully non-verbally, but that leaves room for misinterpretation
- Words added to actions can clarify, e.g., is a smile being happy or is it being nervous?
- Mixed feelings can also be stated, which helps to let people know what your experience is – otherwise they are likely to be confused
- Obstacles to making feeling statements
- It is difficult to recognize your own feelings
- It may feel uncomfortable to verbalize your feelings – it’s not encouraged by our culture
- It seems risky to verbalize your feelings
- You make yourself vulnerable to rejection, or to being seen as weak, silly, or unusual
- You may be in the habit of substituting opinions, evaluations, or questions for statements of feelings
- “You have no right to say that!” when you mean, “I feel sad when you say that”
- “You shouldn’t work so late so often”, when you mean, “I feel lonely. I miss you”
- Adding appropriate feeling statements can take a dull meeting or situation and make it much more interesting
- People usually pay more attention, and become more engaged, when feelings are acknowledged
- The amount of risk-taking a person is capable of is usually related to the degree of self-esteem a person has
- Making disclosing statements (of feelings, interpretations, and what you want) does pay off
- Besides risking rejection, you also open the opportunity for acceptance
- What we think is being kept hidden or private is often seen anyway, but seen in distorted ways
- Disclosing significantly increases trust
- Disclosing also clarifies your own situation
- You can also choose to disclose a step at a time, starting small
- When you think you are misunderstood is an ideal time to disclose, or if you think that you are misunderstanding someone else
Intentions or Wants
- Examples of intentions
- To approach, to reject, to support, to persuade
- To be funny, to ignore, to clarify, to avoid
- To cooperate, to praise, to defend self, to hurt
- To be friendly, to ponder, to help, to accept
- To demand, to be honest, to conceal, to play
- To explore, to be caring, to listen, to disregard
- To share, to understand, to be responsive
- Intentions can span time frames
- In our usage, focus on intentions as near term desires – what do you want to happen in a specific situation
- One obstacle to identifying your own intentions is that we often think much more on what it is we want others to do
- If this is the case, your intentions come out in the form of commands or questions
- You should finish the job as soon as possible, instead of I would like you to finish soon
- Would you like to give me this report tomorrow, instead of I’d like you to give me the report tomorrow
- You shouldn’t do that, instead of I want you to stop doing that
- If this is the case, your intentions come out in the form of commands or questions
- Often intentions can be or become hidden agendas
- You may be unaware of all your intentions at times
- You forget them, or think they are too unimportant to mention
- You choose to keep your intentions hidden on purpose
- If your intention is to get even, or to be admired, or to hurt, you may not want these types of intentions to become known
- Sometimes hidden agendas happen because I have not thought through what it is that I want
- It is important to discern between preferences and demands
- Stating wants as preferences allows others to be open to negotiation, rather than defending against demands
- Intentions have a big impact on your actions
- Changing intentions can have a bigger impact on what you do than trying to change actions
- It is useful to think of intentions as organizers
- Thinking about intentions helps you expand possibilities by needing to think about what you want and don’t want
- You can learn more about what your intentions are by examining your actions
- Usually there is something you wanted by doing things, or liked doing
- Feelings can tell you about your intentions as well
- Feeling positive, OK, or satisfied indicates that your intentions and your actions and behaviors usually match
- Feeling irritable or unhappy is a clue that your major intentions are not matching your behaviors
- A third way of learning about your own intentions is to ask yourself what is it that I want that I’m not telling people or not willing to admit?
- Intention statements are ways of being direct about what you want to do or want not to do
- “Might”, “could”, or “maybe” when used in intention statements confuse and hide your intentions
- In competitive negotiations, you may want to deliberately obscure what you want
- In cooperative work situations, being indirect with what you want wastes time and increases problems
- Intentions, like feelings, can be in conflict inside yourself
- Disclosing these conflicting intentions can still be valuable
- Helps clarify for yourself what is most important
- Clarifies the range of possibilities for your audience
- Disclosing these conflicting intentions can still be valuable
Negotiations
- One fundamental principle of successful negotiations is to avoid arguing about conclusions or end-positions and to concentrate on discussing what is important to each side
- The communication skills training equivalent of doing this is to spend a lot of time in documenting interpretations by sense statements and to think through and articulate what you want not in terms of end-positions, but rather in terms of what has meaning to you
- Question your interpretations, and make sure you verbalize them and check with the other party to verify that they share the same understandings
- Verbalizing what you prefer and what you are willing to do in order for this to happen will often move a negotiation forward
Actions, or What I am Willing to Do
- Action statements put words to your behavior in simple descriptive ways
- I will, I am, I was, etc.
- Paying attention to actions can provide self-information
- Actions can contradict what we say
- Dropping volume at end of sentence, fidgeting with glasses, or walking around while talking can indicate lack of confidence, for instance
- Getting in habit of observing actions versus statements will identify patterns of behavior that you may want to change
- Actions can contradict what we say
Actions
- Stating what you are willing to or going to do increases clarity
- It’s not obvious what you are doing, even if you think it is
- Saying “I’m thinking about what you said” avoids misinterpretation for why you are looking around or vacantly staring, for instance
- Action statements let people know you are aware of your actions and of the meanings you place on them
- Saying “I interrupted you” indicates self-awareness plus caring about effect you have on others
- “I’m having trouble concentrating. I’m still thinking about a conflict that happened an hour ago. I’m sorry” lets your audience know that you probably are placing a different meaning on what’s happening than they might guess from your being distracted
- Action statements about the future are commitments
- Saying “I will …” lets people know what you are willing to do or not willing to do
- This lets people know what to expect from you
- Keeping your commitments or renegotiating when unable to keep commitments is the foundation for building trust
- Trust is the single most important factor in having and maintaining good communication
- Stating what you are willing to do opens the space for the other person to offer to do something as well
- If communications or negotiations are stuck, this often moves the process forward
Speaking for Self
- Fundamental skill for all communications
- By speaking for yourself, you identify you as the source of your awareness
- By reporting your own interpretations, thoughts, feelings, wants, desires, and intentions, you indicate that you are the owner
- “I think …”, “I feel …”, “I am willing to ….”, “I want …,” you identify yourself as the source of your awareness
- Speaking this way acknowledges that you are not expert on what your coworkers think, feel, want and intend
- This means using “I, me, my and mine”, which some of us are conditioned to believe means being selfish or self-centered
- This does indicate self-confidence and belief in self
- High self-esteem is a positive trait
- Speaking for self statements take responsibility
- “Under-responsible” statements substitute it, one or some people for “I”, or include no pronoun or reference at all
- Examples of under-responsible statements
- He doesn’t listen
- It would be a good thing if some people here would change
- There’s nothing anyone can do about this mess
- Under-responsible statements force you to guess at the opinions, intentions or feelings of the person, since they are understated
- Constant use of under-responsible statements can cause the opinions, thoughts and wants of the speaker to be continually devalued, since the speaker does not claim the content of what is spoken
- Over-responsible statements speak for others
- You should always call the customer and not just email, because you like direct contact
- All men are like that
- You don’t understand why I prefer to talk that way
- Over-responsible statements substitute we, you, everybody, or all for “I”, and frequently contain “should” and “ought to”
- Many of us resent being spoken for and close down to the rest of what the over-responsible speaker says
- Making Interpretive statements is a skill
- Interpretive statements carry more weight if they are “documented” by sensory statements
- By making clear your interpretations, you make explicit what you are thinking, and this moves the communication forward
- Examples of interpretive statements
- I think we should take a break now
- I expect to be on time to the meeting
- It seems like you are worried about whether we are prepared for our customer meeting
- I’m wondering if you have come to the same conclusions I have
- I think it likely that sales will never change
Putting the Awareness Wheel to Work
- Dialogue involves other people, and works well when you have:
- Self-awareness of Awareness Wheel categories
- Support for others to identify and express their own awareness
- Ability to accurately hear what others’ say and express
- You can work through the Awareness Wheel categories imagining what someone else is trying to say
- This will lead to uncovering gaps in what’s expressed
- Will often surface the need to check interpretations or sensory data
- Checking with other person will move the communication forward
- Particularly useful if you notice incongruities
- Between sensory data and interpretations, actions and words, your feelings and the situation, etc.
- Particularly useful if you notice incongruities
- Checking with others is easy – add a who, what, when or where question to the person’s Awareness Wheel categories
- Who do you want to include?
- What do you think?
- What are you doing?
- Where did you hear that?
- How do you feel?
- Why or closed questions are best avoided
- “Don’t you think it would be better if we both went?” is a closed question, and it disguises “I want to go with you”
- Why questions lead to blame, are difficult to answer, and rarely move the communication forward
Negotiation Tips
- Negotiations proceed better when desires are stated as preferences, not demands
- Demands mean you are fixed on the outcome, that it must be your way
- Preferences are indications of what you want without predetermined outcomes
- Communicating your willingness to do other things than your own preferences leads to open negotiations and more flexibility